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You might know Rob Delaney from such movies as Coma,Period, Wild Girls Gone, Mash Up and Nature of the Beast but little did you know, the little known comedian is also a Twitter ass clown. He will tweet the first thing that comes to his mind no matter what it is. The end result of this civ of off the cuff and off the wall tweets is nothing less than comedy gold.

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Some recent classics...



I feel like I should be able to put a siren on my car when I have to pee real bad or want women to think I'm a cop.

Rick Rubin is producing the new ZZ Top album. If it's not called "Beard Party" I'm filing a class action lawsuit.

One timeless way to express gratitude is to kiss and/or lick someone's genitals rabidly for 7-10 minutes.

Pizza is like sex. When it's good, it's great. When it's bad, I beat up a chef.

I'll help a friend move, but if they ask me to see them in a play, I'll run very fast away from them forever.

DOCTORS ONLY: Did Paula Deen catch diabetes when that guy threw a ham at her face?

Just told a pile of dog shit to fuck off.

If police are investigating a suspect's home & there are a few empty Monster Energy Drinks cans around, is a trial REALLY necessary?

Persian women save an average of $400 a month on hair removal when they date me.

My neighbor Karen just walked by with no bra on & I had to run to my basement & fire a cum tomahawk at the wall.

Simultaneous orgasms are cool, but when you've been with someone for a while, simultaneous farts are fun too.

In certain Eastern cultures, it's considered a grave insult to shit all over the floor in someone's home.

Guess I'm not that worried about

#SOPA since I'll shit in the mouth of anyone who signs/enforces it & start a new Internet.

Just saw a little Asian girl pushing a black girl & a white girl who were sitting on one skateboard. I lectured them on its significance.

Movie idea: John Turturro & Mark Ruffalo fuse into a "Turfalo" & battle Fat Val Kilmer on a haunted oil rig.

Just saw the most ADORABLE little boy wearing a Yankees cap. I told him to fuck off.

Call me old fashioned, but I love a nice - hey, I told you to call me old fashioned; are you fucking deaf? Do you speak English? SAY IT.

Whenever someone's Twitter picture has more than one person in it, I shit my pants & throw a TV out a window in confusion.

 

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